Friday, October 7, 2011

The past two years..

Today I'm going to get a little more personal than normal and open up about things that I've been experiencing in my life that I couldn't write about until now.

On September 20 this year my husband and I moved into our new home (that's it up there... oh and if anyone knows what that tall plant is in front, please let me know!) Exactly 2 years to the date of when we arrived at my parents house with a U-haul truck full of stuff and a 6 month old baby. The plan was to be there for 6 months - maximum! Little did we know that that six months would stretch into 2 years. Four times longer than expected. Part of me felt like a failure with each passing day as I waited for the day when either my husband or I would get a job so we could finally move. I mean what couple with a 6 month to 2 year old child lives with their parents for that long (I know it happens!) It is not anything I had ever seen in my future. That's not the way my life was suppose to have happened! I started to withdraw. I didn't reach out to others because I didn't want to have to discuss my life. I find it fascinating that at the time in my life when I needed others, I withdrew. I didn't want to be judged.

Part of me wanted to blame my husband because obviously he wasn't working hard enough on his thesis or it would have been completed within a couple of months after we moved. This is not true, and he was as frustrated with his thesis as he could be at times. Once he fixed all the issues with programs and data it went pretty well. It just took many, many trials and failures for him to get the data where it needed to be. He would discuss it with me, and I would try to at least pay attention, but it is hard when I only understood a fourth to an eighth of what he was talking about! I am grateful that he did not quit on his dream of finishing his Master's Degree. He is a strong man and I'm glad he's in my life forever.
(My husband gave me this sign when we go married.)

Another part of me knew that my parents needed help - I have a different situation than most people. I grew up with 3 younger siblings with severe disabilities. One has since passed away (actually when I was in high school.) My brother and sister need constant care. So yes my parents did need help - especially when my little sister was so close to dying - twice - in a 6 week period. It made it so my mom did not have to leave her out in the hospital alone (a 2-3 hour drive from their house) to be at home taking care of her son while my dad was at work. They also needed help because it wasn't until this summer that my sister finally stopped going to the hospital (ER, being admitted, etc.) almost every week. My mom did not have to call my dad and ask him to come home, or load my sister and my brother into the van all by herself. I am glad I was able to support my parents through the rough last two years they had.
Given a choice, I would have done it a bit differently (such as living close by but actually not in their house), however, I have learned that some choices are not solely up to us. Believe me I tried to get employment (even though I wanted to be a stay at home mom.) The only job I got a call back from I did not take it. Mainly because every time I thought about it I had such a dark feeling about taking the job. I've learned to trust those feelings. Most of the time I felt like my husband and I were living in a black hole - except, we could send things out but nothing would come back.

There were many complications happening all at once during those two years. However, everything fell into place all at once. My sister's health started doing SO much better, and within a week of turning in the finished copy of his thesis (YEY) my husband had a job offer. He started 2.5 weeks after he turned in his thesis. His job was in the same area that my parents lived, although he had a 30-45 minute commute every day. We stayed with my parents for a few months and gave us time to save up a bit of money and start looking for a house. Mainly because there are not a lot of apartments in the area - most looked pretty run down, and the rent is more than our mortgage payment!
(Turning in the thesis)
Through all the the heartache, stress, feelings of failure, etc that I experienced in the past two years, this blog has given me a feeling of belonging and success (not monetary success but something I could stick with and have an outlet.) Feelings that I seriously needed. Thank you to all who have supported me in the past by reading. I hope you will keep reading in the future. I love you all.

Looking back I realize that I lived my life waiting. Waiting for the thesis to be done, waiting to get full time employment (we had part time employment...), waiting to move out. I wasted 2 years of my life waiting. I am not going to wait anymore. I am going to experience life and enjoy each day. I'm not going to wait until I weigh 20 pounds less to enjoy my life (I am still going to try to lose that 20 lbs!) I am not going to wait until I have all the furniture for my house to enjoy it! My life is great right now, and I am going to enjoy it!
(Or the fact that there is this hideous pink carpet in my son's room... we'll be fixing that! We just have a few other things that are taking precedence...)
Thanks for reading.


  1. Crystal,
    I am sorry you had such a rough time. I love your blog! I love cooking and you always have such fabulous recipes. Your comments reminded me of Elder Uchdorf's RS talk this last conference about not waiting your life away. It is always a good reminder for me too! Love ya!

  2. I still need a lot of practice with this...
    I have learned that by withdrawing from people and potentials, whatever trial I am going through is all the more miserable because I pass the harsh judgment I think others will give me on myself when in reality they would not have a fleeting thought as amiss as I imagined.


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