Broken

Ever feel like you are broken? I didn't when I first learned I had PCOS. It just explained some things that I had been wondering about... and wondering if I should talk to a doctor about these things or if it was just me being paranoid.

However, the more I learn about PCOS the more I feel that my body is partly broken. There are so many symptoms to this syndrome and so many things that I could have or develop that it is kind of scary to think about. (I did learn two things that PCOS doesn't negatively effect - osteoporosis and libido.) Sometimes I feel ignorance is bliss (it is so much easier to just ignore everything - although not always possible)... other times I am glad that I know now the risks of having PCOS and the risks of not doing anything about it! I just got finished reading a book about PCOS that was written about 10ish years ago (and is about 500 pages long!) I learned that doctors were seeing symptoms of PCOS over a hundred years ago, but it hasn't been until the last 10-20 years that knowledge and awareness has actually grown. If I had been born 30 years before I was, I probably would have never gotten diagnosed with PCOS. I actually feel lucky that I was diagnosed... when we were living with my parents I went to an OB/GYN (okay so there were like 3 at the local clinic... one is super popular=hard to get in to, one the photo kind of creeped me out=true story, so I chose the third.) I went in for my pap smear and he told me I had PCOS (finally I had a name for what I was going through) and offered a medicine that would help control my 'beard' (of course he didn't phrase it like that!) Of course having no insurance and knowing it would only stop new hair from turning into whiskers, I decided to not take it - I mean what is a few more... (Some day - when I'm not pregnant and have money set aside - I'll just get all my facial hair removed, until then... well tweezers - and a facial trimmer - work.)

A weekly reminder that my body isn't working right is when I get to see the hair littered onto my shirt as I sit in front of the mirror trying to get rid of all the pesky facial hair. (This was a particularly fun day... I had just used a trimmer the time before, and my shirt was nicely decorated in unwanted facial hair, as was the counter.)  I actually feel lucky because I don't really get the rude comments that other women get about their facial hair. I am sure people probably still THINK them on occasion though! (I'm sure there would be some teenage boys who were jealous of the amount of facial hair I have.) I do try to keep it under control so I don't have my goatee when I go in public! However having that amount of facial hair does make one a bit self conscious... honestly I don't need someone to tell me I have facial hair. I am painfully aware of each and every one that sprouts on my face (if you happen to be a person who decides to tell me about it-watch out! You may get more than you bargained for!) Does having facial hair make me feel less feminine? Sometimes, and I would be lying if I said otherwise. Does it make me feel less beautiful? Definitely (although my wonderful husband is great at helping me to not feel ugly). I would love to have the flawless facial skin that other women have, but since I have to remove hair every week, I also get blemishes that accompany it. (Not to mention that PCOS contributes to acne besides.) Quite a viscous cycle really. If it were just the hair and the acne that I had to deal with I don't think the idea of being broken would actually have come to my mind. However sometimes that is just what I feel - broken.

This is part of my series on PCOS and learning to understand and live with it. *I am not a medical professional, nor do I have a lot of knowledge of PCOS other than what I've read. This is just me, my opinions, how I understand PCOS and how I am dealing with it.